Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
