apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
