I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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