pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
