made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
