Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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