she woke up with a sticky ear
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
