So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
