party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
