she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize