this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Boobs are out for the taking
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
