Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
