I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
