Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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