when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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