She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Randomize
