dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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