Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
