Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
