i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
