i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
