That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
