she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
