I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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