dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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