Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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