Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
