if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize