If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
