I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
