Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
