I got chris browned last night
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
