i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
