Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
