the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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