how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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