i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
