my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize