please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
