Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
