Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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