I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
