Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
