headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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