You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
