Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
