I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
