Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I need to stop coming to work sober
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
