he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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