First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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