Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
