he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
