he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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