Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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