I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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