just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
