Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize