So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
