I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize