i love accidental penises.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
