I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
