Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
