Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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