I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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