Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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