Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
