I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
