he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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