The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
