he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Even my vagina gasped.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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