so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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