We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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