Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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